The Unicorn Club

Kristi Kay was the first best friend I ever made. We met at an art table in first grade and bonded over Crayola created sea creatures and Caribbean Green. It was my first day at a new school. She was good at drawing whales. I was not.

During our elementary school days, we were lucky enough to share a classroom every year, and by 4th grade, Mrs. Worth was our teacher and Kristi and I were the best of friends. It's funny how kids start to rank each other socially. In addition to learning about the great state of Missouri and how to divide fractions, kids were being labeled as cool or nerdy, "the fast runner" or "the kid with really good handwriting." Neither Kristi nor I had reputations or labels of our own. We were simply known for being best friends - exclusively. We spent our recesses playing tetherball or making dandelion rings and bracelets while telling each other ghost stories. It's not that we didn't want to play with other kids, it's just that nobody else was as much fun as we were.

There was one other exclusive group in my class, Stephanie, Christine and Roxanne, also known as The Unicorn Club. While Kristi and I were private, we were approachable. The girls in The Unicorn Club were slick and cool in a way that made you nervous to speak to them. They used hairspray and were good at rollerskating, had an awesome Disney movie collection and you sort of knew they had families that ran their air conditioner all the time. At Clardy Elementary School, they were mythical creatures and I was mystified.

Sometime after Christmas break, which would have been January(ish) 1994, my phone rang. It was Christine and Stephanie on 3-way and they wanted to know if I wanted to join The Unicorn Club on a trial basis. I did.

After telling me this invitation did not extend to Kristi, the first thing I had to do was have my parents take me to Dillards and buy me a black tracksuit with gold stars on it. This was a very important part of being a Unicorn, as everyone always wore the same outfit on Thursdays. It was ridiculous and loud and I wore it every single Thursday.

When Christine decided she had a crush on a boy in our class named Curtis and found out he didn't feel the same, I was instructed to make him my boyfriend, but not to develop feelings for him. This way no one else would "go out" with him, effectively keeping him single for Christine. On a bus on our way to a field trip, Curtis held my hand. Christine saw this, had us switch seats and by the end of the bus ride, Curtis and Christine were a couple. At 10, I was basically a prostitute and Christine was my pimp.

Unicorns were also known for using 3-way calling, excessively, in order to spy on each other. It was evil and hurtful and fun. A conversation usually went something like this:

Stephanie: Hi, Lauren. What did you think about Roxanne's bow? I thought it was terrible.

Lauren: Yeah. I mean, I guess it wasn't that great. Bows aren't really my style.

Stephanie: I can't believe you said that. Roxanne did you hear that?

Roxanne: I hate you, Lauren. My grandma gave me that bow.

Throughout all of this, I maintained my relationship with Kristi. She was understanding when I played four square during recess with the Unicorns instead of hanging out with her. She never got jealous when I went to their slumber parties and never said a mean thing about any of them.

Around the time I was planning my birthday party - slumber party, duh - the Unicorns had one final request before I became a full fledged member. Uninvite Kristi to my birthday party or lose them as friends - and half my party guest list. With butterflies in my stomach while curled up on my kitchen counter with my cordless phone, I called Kristi. I told her that I was going to have two separate birthday parties. One with a big group and the other one with only her. She started to cry.

It was then, after making my best friend, the girl I could play MASH with for hours, sob and feel rejectied that I realized The Unicorn Club was filled with fucking bitches. The next day during gym class while lined up along the wall before pony races, I told the Unicorns I was out. Kristi was my best friend and I wasn't going to do that to her. The general response from the girls was shock, but then Stephanie said something that has haunted me until this very day, "If you leave, you will never be a Unicorn again."

And I never was.