Boarding Schools Exist For a Reason: A Lesson in Parenting

Spending a rainy Saturday watching the Lifetime Movie Network, one thing has been made clear to me: teenage girls are terrifying and they all belong in boarding schools with the nuns and the responsibles. If you choose to raise your children in some nice suburb or you're not Phylicia Rashad, you're an idiot because your kids are all evil, super slutty, internet whores.* 

That being said, I love Lifetime movies, but they often leave me with a lot of questions about the teenagers of today, which include:

• Why is sweet, little Emma from Degrassi, wearing a mid-drift, baby t-shirt to school on a Tuesday? 
• Do all parents of popular kids work a lot? 
• Do most kids really lose their virginity on a dare? 
• Where do all these girls find so much fishnet? 
• Why isn't Marcia Gay Harden my mom?

While LMN (that's probably what the popular kids call the Lifetime Movie Network) has left me with a lot of questions, it has equally left me with a lot of knowledge.

• If girls fight, it's definitely going on YouTube with a catchy name like, "Best Girl Fight Ever." 
• When teenagers social network, they always spell "amazing" like "AMAZZZZNG" and "girl" like "GRRRL."
• If a guy says that you look like "Angelina Jolie, but prettier," he's probably lying and just trying to get in your pants.
• Everyone has syphilis and a Canadian accent, so be careful.

So, if you're a mom, Happy Mother's Day! The internet has a lot of information on boarding schools. If you're not a mom, protect your ovaries.

*I don't have children. All my parenting knowledge comes from LMN, School Ties, Twilight and babysitting my kid sisters. I am not an expert.