Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Missed Connections

You approached me and my two friends, one with perfect hair and the other with a denim blazer, outside of Old Town Social on Friday night and started a conversation. When we told you our destination of Big City Tap, immediately you insisted we head to Butch McGuire's instead. You told us not to be scared, you are, after all, Irish. It then became apparent the only way to choose a late-night bar was a dance off, Berlin style. You got nervous due to your 2-Irish left feet at which point I told you my name (Margaret Sweeney), age (36), ethnicity (Irish) and other important facts about my upbringing on the South side of Chicago. It is at this time I should point out that none of that information was true.

In the end, your swift moves won out over mine and the four of us got into a cab and went to Butch's. It was during that 10 minute trip heading south we witnessed you do the most incredible Hall and Oates' Rich Girl I am certain anyone has ever seen. It is clear that before you were even born, that song was meant for you. The way you drummed on the dash and pointed to the back seat with every nuance of the song was incredible.

We arrived at Butch’s and you took our drink order, 2 beers and 2 Jamesons, then led us to the back of the bar where your friends were. 3 boys who all seemed to have an affinity for plaid, two of which wore glasses and one with some sort of winking disorder. At the end of the night we all separated. I found a few Russians on tour with Bono while you and my friend shared a cab together. You tried to give her your number, but it all ended terribly when she didn’t hit save.

We would like to hangout again, Irish. If we do, we promise to never go to Big City Tap ever again.





http://chicago.en.craigslist.org/chc/mis/1378425336.html

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Amanda Meszaros - The Unbelievable Tale of Amazement and Disbelief

When I was a child, I would take long road trips with my grandfather. Just him and I down the straight and solid Kansas Highway. Sometimes we would drive all night, and as the sun would begin to set, he would lull me to sleep with stories from his past, his childhood, his memories. My favorite was about a young girl he called Amanda Meszaros.

As he told it, Amanda was born to a family of great privilege, a station in life which allowed her to see all the corners of the world, but also juxtaposed a jail in which she almost always sat, alone, in her beautiful taffeta dresses, with her thoughts and her things.

An intelligent girl, she was acutely aware of the privileges and limitations her post in life and size of her father's bank account afforded her. Amanda's mother passed when she was just seven from the fever, something she recovered from but her Father, a distant and ill-tempered man who loved brandy, books and thoroughbreds, never could.

Other than his hobbies and expectations for her, she knew very little of the man she called Papa. The third week of every month he would come to their country estate, Amanda's full-time residence where she was cared for by nannies, cooks and tutors, for one weekend. Upon his arrival she was to greet him in the parlor for cocktails and conversation before dinner. As he would run through the requisite questions and status updates (math grade?, science score?, piano level?) he would puff on a foreign cigar, a smell that made her stomach turn.

Tutored in her home and forbidden to socialize unless on a trip with her father, Amanda's only friend was Nona, a busty Jamaican who served as her wet nurse during Amanda's infancy. At night, Nona would sit on her truckle next to Amanda's bed and tell stories about different lives and times and adventures - tales of camping trips in the jungle, war protest, dancing on the shore under the moonlight to Paul Simon. Tales of being free.

Amanda dreamed of having such adventures of her own one day. Of freeing herself of her father's tyrant rule. Of having friends and laughing so hard her stomach ached. Of running in the rain. Of walking on a city street and eating ice cream. Of drinking beer. Of being happy.

It was the night before her 14th birthday she had the first of many dreams. Had she of known the magnitude of what was to come, she would have tried harder to remember. But, as she would have never known (how could she have?), the next morning as she sat over her breakfast of hardboiled eggs, raspberries and soy gravy, all she could recall about the curious dream was the sound of steel when it rubs together and a vision of what she could only describe as prancing metal legs.

One night she awoke from one of those mysterious dreams, they had now been coming almost nightly for the past few months, and was startled with what she saw. She jumped out of bed, almost tripping over Nona, and ran to her window which overlooked a great pasture. In the distance under the moonlight Amanda squinted. She didn't understand what she was seeing. She couldn't.

"Darre com'in fo you chiidt," said Nona, who was now standing behind her and stroking her perfect hair while overlooking the same unbelievable sight. "Don'tchoo be scaaad now. Don'tchoo be, deeya chiidt."

The next night Amanda decided to wait up, hoping they would once again return. Nona had the night off and decided to go into town for one of her church groups, which was led by Friar Tuck. She watched the seconds on her clock waiting. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. "Please don't let me sleep, please let them come back," she whispered over and over again to herself.

Though she wasn't sure why, maybe it was dreaming about these beings for almost a year, or maybe it was finally seeing them, but she wasn't scared. She longed for the unknown to begin, for her life to change.

Then, without notice, there was a tap on her third-floor window. Startled, she got up slowly, feeling the cool hardwood floor under her feet, and opened the window. There stood two figures with white boxy bodies and long metal arms and feet.

"Hello," said Amanda.

"Hello," the two beings said in unison. "Are you ready?"

"But, what are you?"

"We are your future. We are robots. And we would like for you to join us," said the lead robot who called herself Lindsay.

"I don't understand," said Amanda, already packing her bag.

"You don't need those items where we are going," said the one who called himself Dave. "It is a magical land. There is wilderness and trains. A woman named Oprah and great buildings. When you are ready, climb into my hand and I will show you the way."

As Amanda looked around her room and at all her beautiful things, she knew the only person she would really miss was Nona. She shed a tear and rubbed it on Nona's pillow as a parting gift. Then, she climbed out of the window and into Dave's hand.

As she did, a sudden and rapid transformation occurred. Her body grew stiff and hard. Her legs got long and wobbly. She grew in length and in width. She was a robot now, too.

With this she started sprinting through the great pasture feeling the wind on her skin. It was exhilarating. She felt powerful and strong, two things she had never known.

As she and Lindsay and Dave ran through the forest she realized something amazing. This was her new life now, as a robot. This change was just the beginning of all her adventures.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

When periods are more than a part of grammar - a little about lady days

Periods. I hate them. You hate them. Guys don't understand them. "What? You bleed for how long? Why? Babies? Huh. Chiptole."

Periods are taboo, but when you're on them, there is not anything else you would rather talk about - bitch about. But, alas, the world likes to sweep any mention of them under the bloody rug, or strike them from the lady days calendar of life. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say or what point I'm trying to make, but Gloria Steinem, of course, put it best with her essay If Men Could Menstruate. Sara Haskins Birth Control Target Women is pretty funny too.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Yo - Yo - Yo

If one day, when I die, I awake the next morning, fuzzy and confused and as a different person - full of old memories of my past, but none of my own - sleeping in a new bed with a different shade of skin - a different accent - living in a new country - I think I would like to be a member of a British R&B / Blues group that plays the local art scene.

I think that is who I shall strive to be tomorrow - or the day after I die.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Sunday, Don't You Dear John Me!

Oh, Hey Sunday! How are you? I haven't seen you all week, but I have certainly been thinking about you. I always have so much fun when we're together, but I always feel like you're in such a rush to get out of here.

Anyway, do you remember that time we slept until 11 and then watched TV all day, all snugly in our matching Snuggies, because it was raining outside. Can someone say, LIFETIME MARATHON!? That was great. Or when we went on a long wanderous walk with Kate and she pretended to drown in the playground of fake boats and we laughed and laughed and laughed. You're right, it was soo funny. Or even just yesterday when we had 2, no, 8, margaritas with Mandy and then went in and out of vintage clothing and record shops looking for the perfect pair of plaid sunglasses and that long lost Paul Simon album? Good times, right?

What? What did you say to me, Sunday? You don't?! I thought those were such meaningful times!

Well, I don't know why I thought you cared. I bet you DOO have tons of friends!! Tons more than me.

You know what, Sunday? You are mean. You are a mean mean person and I don't have to sit here and take it any more!

Leave.

Just leave. I never needed you any way.

Wait.

Where are you going.

Sunday, I'm sorry. Come back.

PLEASE COME BACK SUNDAY!

Because I love you. Yes I do.

Yes I do. Just listen to me. Okay, I accept your apology.

Oh, you have someplace to go? Okay. Well, I'll see you next week.



Friday, June 26, 2009

Church Choirs, Indian Warriors, Giant Birds, Beautiful Peasant Children; Farewell, Soul of Whimsy. Goodbye, Mr. Jackson

I'm sad. Michael Jackson is dead. That nation is in mourning.

Like so many others, my sense of loss comes from the fact I associate so many of my 25-year-old life's memories with his songs:
  • Riding in the back seat of my mother's car listening to Man in the Mirror as a 4-year-old
  • Him beating the shit out of a car during TGIF as an 8-year-old
  • Listening to Scream as loud as I could on my DiscMan and thinking, "My family really makes ME want to scream!" as a middle-schooler
  • Asking the hipster bartender at a Hipster Bar in Bucktown (that I wasn't cool enough to be at- a Gap wearer and all) to play Will You be There after several beers and a shot of Jameson -- two weeks ago
  • Dancing the Free Willie Dance (standing in the middle of the dance floor with one hand in the air) to Will You be There (played in my mind) after a few more beers --- later in the evening 2-weeks-ago
I'm not going to touch on the child molestation allegations, other than I don't think he did it.

I hope he is someplace wonderful...

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Hookers with a Heart of Gold; A Musical

As you know, I have plans. Big beautiful jingly plans. Plans to write a musical - played on recorders and rubber band shoe box banjos - about sweet, lovable hookers with hearts of gold.

And, I believe we are going to see lots about hookers in 2010. Hookers = trend on the rise. Also, pay attention to things that sparkle. I'm just saying...

Example 1: Of this trend on the rise.








For the recap, Big in '10 - Hookers and Sparkels.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Well, we are certainly NOT the Mowry sisters!

Upon a mild and milky May morning 24-years-ago today, a little girl was born unto a Rodeo Queen. The year was 1985 - a great year for births - and with President Reagan starting his second term in office, it was also a great year for celebrities to save Africa, Commodor Amiga Personal Computers and for Australia to finally get AM Radio (Amen)!

The little girl grew, as the lucky little girls do, and without noticing a change or dizzy dazzling difference she was in the second grade. This year was more significant than most due to the company she would keep, and as she ran barefoot and twirling through a field of daises down to the creek, she suddenly paused. A summery breeze rushed around her as she thought what she thunk, a sixth sense one may call it, or a wish list or a galloping skunk. For little did a different little girl know at the time, that as her father drove her home from her first summer camping away, that their stars were about to combine. And like a butterfly in the sky, one that can go twice as high, a tender heart would at first break, but like the thunderous sound of a million mustangs, the hearts would heal and mend and eventually the two little girls would become the greatest of friends .

"How was camp," the father spoke.

"It was cool," said the second little girl with a second little girl choke.

"Honey, I have something to tell you and I know you won't be happy. I sold your horse today and please let us not get sappy."

"What," the second little girl mummbeled over hot breath and tears. She couldn't believe it - this was her worst fear!

"But don't you worry," the father spoke trying to redeem himself. "The Rodeo Queen and little girl and her brother are going to keep it at our house. You can ride him when you want - so don't you be mean!"

And that was that. Life had changed in the largest of large ways - just as it had for slaves and southern tenant farmers and carpet baggers as Eli Whitney introduced the Cotton Gin and cotton picking suddenly became 'in.'

For years, summers and springs and falls were spent playing together. Riding on the bareback of a mighty bay while drinking Dr. Pepper and chewing on hay. Life was grand and the air was fresh until the evilest of evils caused quite a mess. The second little girl's father was married to a witch, don't you see, and she sent the Rodeo Queen, the first little girl and her brother away with a scream.

Many moons passed before the first and second little girls reunited - many moons before the Rodeo Queen rescued the second little girl's father and made him her King. But this time was different, it wasn't so fun, the laughing was gone and the fighting begun. They fought and they scought and they screamed and they yelled and everyone in their house had thought they'd seen hell. This went on for a while until the second little girl finally said, "I think dad has some whiskey in that whiskey cabinet of his. We should drink some of it" and that is dern well what they did.

The friendship reunited, now more of a sisterly bond, and when the second little girl went to college and called the first with tears streaming down, she rushed to her, she rushed out of town.

Macaroni was made and dance music was played and suddenly out of a foggy smoggy fleet, their old friend Lavar Burton showed up and gave them a treat. There was laughing and singing and joy - oh, the joy - on that night of splendor - a special memory for them both to keep.

Closer to the time it is now, as the two little girls continued to grow, their hearts began to sink, their lives became a bit too slow. For the little girls had not found love, which seemed to be all around, and then little girl number two had an idea. "A prom! A dance! That will surely turn things around!"

With hope and gusto and a little Tanglewood magic, they built a mighty bonfire, hoping the evening wouldn't turn tragic. A band was hired and tunes were tingled while dances were danced and with little boys they mingled. There was laughing and singing until the night too soon ended - and that was that - that was all - and everything was splendid.

Happy Birthday, Kori! You are amazing - keep doing what you're doing and living what you're living. I'll be home soon and to Cody's we must go for biscuits and gravy, laughy taffy and to play the lott-o.

And, well, you have to like this story because we are related. And you are the first and I am the second as I have already stated. Okay? Okay!?!?!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The World Is A Vampire!

About three things I am absolutely positive. First, I am not a vampire. Second, there is a part of mainstream popular culture - and I don't know how strong it is - that will not let this vampire feeding fever die. And third, and I swear to this, this post will officially and irrevocably be my *last mention of vampires on this blog.

I have finished the Twilight Saga, read the 264-pages of 'Edward's' version on StephanieMeyer.com and have watched the movie more than 5 times. I need to stop. I need to be done. It's over - I know how the story ends - officially - because I read it. But the world doesn't seem to care about my needs. The world wants to keep going with their own SparklyVampire love stories.

Exhibit A: CW Vampire Diaries TV Series Pilot Promo Trailer



Looks good, doesn't it. DOESN'T IT! I know, right?

So this vampire show, foreseeably about vampire love, is being touted as the '90210 for the dead crowd.' I don't know what that means, but it makes me nervous for high school teachers.

Exhibit B: Buffy's Back

It was also just announced that Buffy the Vampire Slayer will be coming back to the big screen. Interesting, I think. So, not only will people be watching their weekly dose of teenage vampire love on the small screen, we can also expect at least 4 more big screen flicks.

I don't know...this is a horrible blog post and I'm sorry.

I've decided I'm over it. I am now a Vampire Elitist and will not succumb to those low rate knockoffs. I am going to lust after the next big monster craze. Aliens? No. Demons? Probably not. Ghost? Yes! Ghost love is going to be it! Someone needs to make a great love story between a ghost and a human. Maybe there can be a sexy pottery scene and a loud-mouthed psychic with sass! By golly, that would be good....

Peace. I'm out.

*This rule does not include mentions of possible musicals and Sparkly Vampire Love (cause I just really like saying it)

Monday, May 18, 2009

Time to Hang the Hat - Time to Retire the Beads

It's over and I survived. Spring Break 2009 was wild and amazing - well, the kind of wild and amazing a loser that has no social life and has to work everyday of her 'spring break' has. And I didn't get shot, so that's good too.

On Saturday night, I went to that writer hipster party with Catherine. Except, it wasn't really all that "writer" or all that "hipster," it was basically just a party. After a failed attempt to start a secret exclusive dance party - the secret party within the party - we sat on the front stoop, Sesame Street style, and talked about the musical we plan on writing.

The plot is a bit loose, but we did think of some great names. And, I did text them to people during a separate dance party later that night, which (the party) was much more mainstream and part of the whole party, less secret and more lame. Sorry about the late night texts, people.

The following are possible names:

  • *Hot Cross Buns - Vampire Puppet Love; A Musical
  • Hot Cross Buns - Witch Baby Lezzy Puppet Love; A Musical
  • Hot Cross Buns - Old Timey Hookers with a Heart of Gold; A Musical
I'm leaning towards the Hookers with a Heart of Gold angle. Not only does everyone love a good hooker tale, but EVERYONE loves hookers with hearts of gold. They just do.

On a separate note, which has nothing to do with Hookers or Lezzy Puppets, I just don't get James Taylor. How do men exist like that? Where did he come from? It's like he lives on hugs and rainbows and handcrafted clay coffee mugs? I just don't understand it. So, if you know someone like this, I would like to hear that story!



*Yes. I have seen Sarah Marshall. It looks different in my head. Okay?!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Shared Text Messages While in the Process of Being an Idiot

Two things:

1. I'm still in the midst of my Spring Break. My throat is raw from speaking over loud bar music, my mouth is peeling from the overly acidic beer and my eyes are doing that really dizzy spinning thing and won't focus. I feel like crap. Last night was the full rev-up to my final, one-time only, blowout weekend to commence my week of idiocy.

I started off at Quartino's with Catherine, Ashley, Jessica and a liter of wine. The next stop was a layover at my place with Catherine and beer before meeting up with Julie and Liz. The three of us ended up closing down 1 restaurant and 2 bars at which point I have memories of then heading to Big City Tap - a late night bar - memories that include Champagne buckets, dancing really awkwardly and Liz kissing me on the cheek 17 times.
Link
I'm not sure how I did it, but I showered when I got home. Thank God. It must have been inspiration from all of the crack-heads and teen gay runaways I passed walking home at 3 in the morning. Ashley had an egg McMuffin sitting on my desk when I arrived at work this morning. If this spring break doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger.

2. I was texting a lot last night. I looked through my phone this morning with some horror and a dash of surprise sprinkled on top of a clump of embarrassment. Below is a small recap of the texts I sent.

To: Ashley
4:09 pm Thu, May 14
Drinks after work?

To: Catherine
5:54 Thu, May 14
We are on the patio at Quartion's - come!

To: Julie
6:08pm Thu, May 14
What time are we meeting up?

To: Catherine
10:33 Thu, May 14
Thanks for coming - glad you're home safe. I went to Caesars with Liz and Julie after all.

*To: Dan
12:18 am Fri, May 15
You are a lying liar

To: Dan
12:19 am Fri, May 15
Gert - I need to come clean

To: Rachel
12:29am Fri, May 15
Nothing - snake arms - but he keeps telling lies about our friends and I'm going to vampire kick him in the face - tell him that

To: Dan
12:32 am Fri, May 15
Guess. I'm a vampire kicking you in the face.

To: Rachel
12:33 am Fri, May 15
I am superman - and I can do anything - tomorrow - he knows what he did.

To: Dan
12:34 am Fri, May 15
YOU'RE the drunk girl!

To: Dan
12:36 am Fri, May 15
Stupid

To: Rachel
12:38 am Fri, May 15
No. Lies were told. Suffering will be had by all. Stop sitting in your bed next to the liar and texting me at the same time. How did the footlocker mtg go?

To: Dan
12:41 am Fri, May 15
We can talk tomorrow - just get ur dancing shoes shined. Did you look at my blog?

To: Scott
1:19 am Fri, May 15
Niiiitar

**To: Ashley
1:36 am Fri, May 15
I will most likely need u to bring me breakfast tomorrow.

To: Julia
1:37 am Fri, May 15
I'm an idiot. I'm a dancing fool. I'm an idiot.

***To: JT
1:39 am Fri, May 15
Because liz and wiz said and I'm an idiot

To: Julia
2:01 am Fri, May 15
I don't know.

****To: Nick
2:07 am Fri, May 15
Your favorite song is on!

To: Ashley
2:04 am Fri, May 15
This is bad news

To: Liz & Julie
10:12 am Fri, May 15
I might die. I love and hate u both.

To: Julie
11:39 am Fri, May 15
I'm wearing the same clothes I wore last night - but I look less like a pirate


So, basically I was yelling at Dan. Apparently he lied. Lied about what, though?

This should be a lesson to everyone - don't drink, stay in school and never, ever go out dressed as a pirate while you're reading up on vampire love - it makes you all crazy and stuff.

This song is making me feel better - this song and lots of water.





*The night had apparently taken a turn
**Thank you so much. You didn't have to do that. You're a great friend.
***I adore this kid, but he was not part of any conversation. I'm not sure how he was caught in the crossfire.
****Nick is my cousin. I don't know what his favorite song is.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Josie the Killer

My sweet little sister, Baby Jo, loves to ride horses and rodeo. It's something my father and her do and enjoy together, and also something the majority of my family just doesn't really seem to understand. She never fails to regale me with stories of goat tying, country queens and Rodeo Proms (whatever that is). Though she is now a beautiful 17-year-old young woman, I can still see her little fat Cheeto covered baby cheeks and hear her devilish teasing little giggle every time I close my eyes. I am so proud of who she is and the multifaceted sides of her personality. She loves everything from George Strait to George Michael - she has mastered the skill of hanging with the kids who kick cows to the ones that kick soccer balls - she is comfortable at The Drake and in the sleeping quarters of a horse trailer. I love her more than any other person on this earth. She is my very favorite little brat. 

My other sister, Kori, recently sent me a link to a picture of Josie in action. I was impressed. She looks like a killer. I sent the link to a friend of mine - I called her a lioness, he referred to her as a T-Rex. I think he was right. I have compiled the comparison below, and believe you will agree.  She is the one in the pink shirt in the top photo, if you couldn't guess...

I love you baby Jo Jo Bean, you little killer, you.



Wednesday, May 13, 2009

This is my Spring Break? - I think.

Recently, I have been a very serious girl. The no nonsense kind. The boring, go to bed early, have no social life or any interest other than vampire love kind. Well, I suppose this week is a little tiny break from that - a spring break of sorts. 

It started off Monday night which was filled with Thai food, Giant 47lb Rooster and tunes from the Little Mermaid - and I wasn't even alone!

Last night, I had fully intended to go home, read some more about vampire love, go to the gym and run while watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey, pack my lunch and go to bed. Responsible and typical behavior of a sad and lonely girl. That didn't happen. I was lured to Kirkwoods by a boy that claims to be related to the Hardy Boys. He was alone. He had beer. I tried to fight it, but he won. I was forced into fun.



Tomorrow night an old college roommate of mine is going to be gracing Chicago with her presence. There will be margaritas and old college stories and probably some smoking - presumably some puking, and a lot of slurred laughing and excited finger pointing. I'm excited.

Friday is also an adventure. Rachel and Gertrude, a boy that resembles a matured, whiskey drinking, cigarette smoking, stubble clad Cabbage Patch Kid, plan on taking me drinking and dancing. They plan on making me less boring. I can't fight their need, so I have conceded and will try to remember to wear comfortable shoes. 


Saturday? Some fancy hipster writer party with Catherine. I'll probably get shot. 

Tonight? Who knows.  But from what I can remember about college spring break and what I've learned from years of watching MTV, I should prepare myself for dehydration and an addition of 5lbs-7lbs on the scale. Perfect. 

I guess I'm living la vida loca - until next week when sad and lonely girl returns. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A Boy Named Ira

Everyone has a list of celebrities they love or shows they are obsessed with or a book series they think about all the time, regardless of its literary prowess. The obsession starts. Thoughts like, 'Seriously, I think Pink and I would be best friends' begin to run through your mind. And, you can try and hide it, handle it on your own, but eventually it gets out. This week in blogging has been filled with lots of confessions as well as depressing self loathing thoughts. So why stop now? Just consider this my version of Sandra Bullok's RomCom days.

I am in love with Ira Glass. The glasses, the desk, the smooth radio voice, the gentle giggle when he finds something truly funny. I love him and I love his show and I want to be friends with everyone that is a contributor to This American Life, especially Starlee Kine, Sarah Vowell and Dan Savage.



Day dreams of us sitting around over coffee and cigarettes, sharing tales from our personal lives that are both touching and ironic, sometimes touchingly ironic, would flood the air. We would laugh at Dan's sex jokes, Starlee's tumultuous relationship with her mother and Sarah's take on all things historically American. And then Ira, he would make a few comments, laugh a little, divide the evening into acts and hold my hand. It would be perfect.

My little obsession was only made worse last week when a colleague gave me two tickets to see an encore presentation of This American Life live - but it wasn't really live. It was a rerun of a live show shown in a movie theater. It didn't matter. I laughed just as hard at the Tori Malatia jokes, cried over Dan's touching story about his late mother and, as expected, ended up getting so excited at the end, I had to sit in the theater alone, in the dark, to calm myself.

The show is wonderful, and if you don't listen to it, check it out. They make a television version, but it's not the same - not as personal, and I hate it. I asked my friend Catherine what makes the show so great - it's just a public talk radio show, after all. She thinks it's because the stories are about really cool everyday people, doing really cool extraordinary everyday things. People you could meet on the street or sit next to on the bus. Aka: She knows I wish I was as hipstery and well read as they are. I'm not. Thanks, Catherine. You're a brat.

So, while I doubt I will ever get the chance to wed Ira, he will always be ranked highly on my list of celebs I wish I could.


And, I feel like I need to say this, if Ira's publicists picks this up in a google alert - I'm sorry I'm creepy. I am.

Monday, May 11, 2009

We are not vampires - we are more like werewolves

Unhappiness. So many of my 20-something friends are so very unhappy. Unhappy with their jobs, shape of their nose, color of their teeth, race times and state of their facebook relationship status.

I don't exclude myself in this. My career...wait. What career? While my race times could stand some improvement, I do think I have pretty white teeth, regardless of what one of my 'friends' told me.

Conversation with 'friend:'

Her: 'Katie is always picking on me.'

Me: 'Seriously? Why? What could she say to you?'

Her: 'That my teeth are yellow.'

Me: 'I don't think your teeth are yellow. She's just being a brat.'

Her: 'Yeah. Well, they're the same color as yours.'

End scene. I have yellow teeth - according to a bratty idiot.

Back to my point. The biggest complaint I hear is that my friends are unhappy at work. This sucks, especially since this means we spend most of our waking hours at a place we hate doing something we hate more surrounded by people we hate even more than that. As children we are lied to, told we can become anything we want. Firefighter? Sure. Doctor? Of course. Astronaut? Okay. Puppet Master? Heck, why not? Lies. All lies.

The thing is, not everyone gets to live their dreams. Not everyone gets to do what makes them happy. Someone has to be the maid and pickup the garbage and deliver food to your table and answer the phones. It's just a gut sucking realization.

But, does it really matter? Does it really matter that we don't get to spend our time on this earth working the jobs that make us happy? I'm not 100%, but I'm pretty sure the answer is no. No, it doesn't matter.

Just stay with me and think about it. I'm 25, so I expect to be around for roughly 70 more years. 70 years after I die, my children and my children's children will more than likely be gone, too. Dead and gone. It won't matter what I did, who I was, how I brought in the bacon. No one will remember my name or the color of my skin or this blog. This rule is nonexclusive. You won't be remembered either - just like Donald Trump, Pink and that the Sears Tower was originally called The Sears Tower. It's just a fact. We are all going to die, so without trying to sound all existential or suicidal, it's better to just forget what is making you unhappy at the moment and have fun. Laugh. Giggle. Drink too much. Run too slow. And laugh some more.

We are all going to be dust before we know it. Alas, the folks at Disney were on to something again.




And, I don't like kids - really - not much anyway, but I do like Van Morrison and this video seems really fitting. Even if it does have stupid kids in it.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

13 Days and Vampires

HELLO!

It's been a while. How are you?

So, just now. Literally mere seconds ago, I stepped out of a cab, past the beating drums of the Blue Man Group theater, including some growling homeless men, waved to my neighbors and walked happily into my beautiful, luxury 2-room studio apartment. I have finished working my 13th consecutive day - 5 days in the office, the salon, the zoo, 5 more days in the office, the salon again and babysitting. I'm not any closer to purchasing a bike, though, given the opportunity, I'm not so sure I wouldn't just take one that didn't belong to me.

No I wouldn't.

Yes I would.

No. No. Yes. No.

What? Wait? What. no.

I have been working so much, have become so tired and anti-social, that I have been living almost completely within my own head. Having conversations aloud (and alone) with myself about everything from my thoughts on the books I'm reading to how I feel about the institution of marriage. I suppose it is at this time I also should admit my current most shameful secret - my secret shame. Hello, my name is Lauren and I am reading the Twilight series. Hello, my name is Lauren and I like the Twilight series - a lot. Hello, my name is Lauren and I thirst for the Twilight series, books written for middle-school girls awaiting their first periods, the same way Edward thirsts for Bella's blood, but without the same willpower to deny myself the poorly written, melodramatic mythical romance of it all. Hello, my name is Lauren and I am deeply embarrassed by my recent behavior.

Last Saturday, I went to this great little independently owned book shop (sorry, Walton's) down the street from my apartment to find New Moon - the second book in the 4-part series. I struggled to locate it in the store and as I roamed the isles, my eyes glazing over titles and authors, I grew ever more nervous knowing I would have to ask the owners for assistance. Could I say I was purchasing it for my little sister? Was it a gift? Am I a middle school teacher that just wants to know what 'all the kids are gabbing on about?' No. That wouldn't work. This was my addiction and I needed to be honest - to come clean. Plus, I hadn't spoken to anyone outside my place(s) of work for weeks. I needed to admit this to someone. I needed to say it aloud. I had to tell the truth.

As I approached the counter, my face blushing as I forced myself to look the attendant in the eyes...

'Can I help you?'

'Yeah. Um. Well. Um. New Moon.' I mumbled.

With a slight laugh, 'Right behind you.'

'Oh.' - 'I don't see it,' I said as my face turned Cheez-It box red and my hands and upper lip began to sweat.

'On the floor. The bottom shelf.'

'Oh, thanks. I'm just a little embarrassed.'

'Yeah, It seems that way. And we will need your name and contact information to add to the list of girls that are quite obviously too old to be reading these books.'

'I'm going to puke.' I said to myself as my face turned white - I think it did. I felt like it did. I didn't have a mirror. Bella's probably would have.

'We publish that list on our web site, craigslist and also send copies to the RedEye and the Reader. That will be $11.20. And I'm joking.'

'Hehe,' I managed as I handed him my bike money.

'Romance starved 20-somethings buying this crap keep us in business. Enjoy your takeout and vampires.'

'Thanks. How did you know I ordered Thai for din....'

Needless to say, I ordered Eclipse and Breaking Dawn from Amazon.

So, essentially, what I'm saying is this. I might be going crazy. I've been working non-stop and when I haven't been working, I've been locked in my castle reading about vampire love, the recent rainy weather convincing me I'm actually in Forks, Washington (the setting of the books).

The worst of it is, is that I think the main characters are awful. Edward is a child molesting control freak and Bella needs to get a grip and stop puking and passing out all over the place. If she can't stand the sight of blood as a human, chances are, she's going to suck at being a vampire (no pun intended and I haven't finished the last two books). But I can't stop. Errrr.

If you're reading this, you might want to call and check on me. If it wasn't for cold Britta-filtered water and Paul Simon, I would surely try and become a vampire myself.





PS - don't you think Paul looks like what Jane would look like?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

When the lights go out

So many people have struggled with the question of whether knowing is better than not knowing. I've come to believe that knowledge does not necessarily equal power in all situations. If your boyfriend cheated on you and stopped, is it better to know? Probably not. Or, if you cheated on your boyfriend and stopped, should you tell him? Probably not. It was in the past and would only cause problems.

The point is, I'm the one in the dark right now. I'm the boyfriend that was cheated on. I have a feeling there is some information out there that would change the way I feel about my daily life - at least for the foreseeable future, and if confirmed, would make me hate things even more.

I think I will keep the lights out - I think I will go green.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Edge Time

I don't know where I went. I started posting almost daily and then nothing.

Sorry, Rachel.

I suppose it's because I don't really have much to say, but do you know who does? My friend, Catherine. She wrote a blog post the other day I read twice because I like it so much. Probably the best post I have ever read in my life. Ever. So I think you should read it, too.

Without further ado, here is the link to her blog with a small bit of enticement:

http://itsourtimeontheedge.blogspot.com/2009/04/free-to-good-home.html

"Happy almost-Easter. Here’s the story of a giant rabbit.

I opened my Tuesday by rifling through pictures of Chicago Easters gone by in the Trib and then somehow stumbled upon this picture of a giant rabbit. This man in Germany raises them and sells them to the Koreans for food. Or something. So while giant rabbits might make people in certain cultures think of nachos, they make me think of my childhood. Since my very first pet doesn’t count – her name was Peggy, and she was a cat, and we had to have her put to sleep after only two weeks – I will go ahead and claim a giant rabbit as my first official pet. Hot off of sitting shiva for Peggy, my mom and dad were patronizing the local pharmacy when they noticed a sign on the door that said something to the effect of:

Housebroken rabbit. Free to a good home.

I have this sign memorized because my mom quoted it all the time. So they decided to adopt said housebroken rabbit. His name was Jackie, but my mom thought that name was too white (rabbit) trash and changed it to the much-classier Jamie. Jamie was a Giant Newfoundland that had been abandoned by his previous owners, probably for being too mind boggling. He was the size and shape of a big Rockwellesque Thanksgiving turkey. He had black ears and a black tail and piercing red eyes that meant business. He used a litter box, and his terds looked like cocoa puffs......"


Nice job, Catherine. Normally I would have just stolen this blog post and used as my own, but apparently I was given a soul this Easter. Lame.

See ya at Ikea.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Don't know much...

When I was in first grade I attended Hartman Elementary School. It was an extremely diverse magnet school in Kansas City. Actually, it wasn't so diverse. I was the only white girl in my class and the minority. A month or two after school started, a new boy joined our class. His name was Mickey and he had brown hair, blue eyes, but most importantly in the eyes of my classmates, he was white. Our class automatically decided he was my boyfriend, effectively ending my relationship with Leon.

This may have been because at 6, kids just assume multi race relationships don't exsist, or this may be because I looked horrible with 3 pigtales and they were just lookingout for me. Regardless, that was how relationships worked back then - back when we were learning to read and tie shoes and stuff. The community decided who would be best suited for you. It would be interesting if that were still the case.

Anyhow, Mickey was a sweet kid from what I can remember, except he had this thing about serenading me. It first started in the coat closet in the back of our classroom. He put his hands on my shoulders and started singing Aaron Neville & Linda Ronstadt 1989 Grammy Award winning hit, 'Don't know much.' After he was done singing, he would simply say "kiss me." That was usually enough to push a six-year-old me over the edge, breaking free of his infantile grip and returning to the classroom, bus line or cafeteria table. He really loved that song, I guess.

I do remember teachers being around on occasion when he would play Aaron, making me his Linda. And they did nothing to stop it. However, I also have memories of teachers taking us all into the bathroom to watch one of our wilder classmates get a 'whooping,' so I can't say I'm surprised.

To this day I have never been serenaded with quite the same zest or passion. So here is to you Mickey, wherever you may be. And that may be all I need to know....



Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Girl, why am I not a billionaire?

Every time I watch Gossip Girl it leaves me feeling a bit unsettled. I look around at my 2 room apartment with cracked white undecorated walls and down at my dirty socks and plaid gap pajama pants and realize I will never be Blair Waldorf. And like a little girl that realizes she will never become a mermaid, my heart begins to break.

It isn't that I ever expect to run in the blue blood crowds or rub elbows with men that row boats and eat ivy, I don't think I would really enjoy it even if I did. I just really like the exciting fantasy of ridiculous wealth. A fantasy where I don't have to work at a job I hate and I can go back to school without taking out any loans and say things like, 'Margo, I'm off to Necker Island with Sir Richard and the kids.' But alas, I will trick myself into thinking I'm living the life of an artist for a bit longer. Just for a bit longer....

Monday, March 23, 2009

Hey, Catherine. You're a liar.

So. I have a friend and her name is Catherine. She's pretty awesome and I like her a lot. She is a writer and I think she will go on to do some big deal things, but there is one problem. She is a liar.

Sometimes she lies about big stuff like inventing recycling and her love of One Tree Hill - she DVRs it off SoapNet everyday. Sometimes she tells smaller lies about the smell of her feet (she claims they smell like bandaids, but I know better) or the color of the sweater she is wearing (Hey, Catherine. Stop telling me your sweater is brown when it is clearly taupe!)

But what I hope for her in the future is that she learns that her lies, like small ivory handled daggers, hurt. Yesterday we spent the day together. First we had burritos and went to World Market and then to see Sunshine Cleaners. After the movie we headed to Duke of Perth for some beer. After my 5th, I started telling her about my past - things like how the Horse Whisper, staring Robert Redford, was a fictional tale based off my horse whispering skills. She responded gleefully, occasionally even giving me a high-five and a pat on the back. Today she told the world she didn't like horses.

I've seen her business plan to create a t-shirt line filled with images of Chad Michael Murrey parading around on horses with Lisa Frank heart nipple stickers. I know she is a liar. She lied to the world.

So, I just want to say one thing in response to her lies:

Shut up, Catherine. Stop telling lies.

Love you.

Government Subsidized

Lets just face the facts, ladies, lets just face ‘em. There are a few innate truths about being a girl. The first is obvious, we just want to have fun, and among other truths, it is simply more expensive to be born with and from a vagina. So, to get to the point, there are a few things I believe the government should subsidize for women. They are as follows:

1. Tampons. I think this is the most obvious item on most “the government should subsidize this and that” lists. We have to have them. Have to. Because we have to have a period, which already sucks, bleeding and such. Why should we have to pay an extra $30 a month for pads and tampons?
2. Alieve. This pretty much goes with number 1. Maybe just 2 bottles a year – let’s not get greedy.
3. Toilet paper. The fairer gender has to wipe both front and back. We use more toilet paper which means more $$$
4. Eyeliner/Mascara/Foundation/blush: I know not all women wear makeup, but most do. And do you know who doesn’t really wear makeup? Yep. Dudes.

Now, I’m not saying I expect the government to pay for my children, cell phone, home or food. But, since I am a lady I have to pay more for all of these things, which decreases my already small paycheck (women make 75 cents to the dollar men make).

Okay. That’s all. Sorry this post is not that great, but I’m real hung-over.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Sights & Sounds from Saturday at a Salon

I have two jobs. If I didn't, I may not be able to afford things like food and cable and electricity and iTunes.

Though I really dispise giving up my Saturdays, especially in the summer, it's not all bad. I like the people I work with. I like the fact they are all in their 30s and 40s and gay or pregnant and treat this place as a mini high school that is actually the center of the universe.

The drama is constantly roaring strong - Chrissy refused to cut Naz's hair. Patrick (Patsy) is always telling the other stylist which Redken colors to use - and they don't like it. I mean, what does he know?! Michael's iPod is always playing effing country music, and who does he think he is? (the owner, that's who) People gossip and stab each other in the back and I love it.

A few weeks ago I told my boss I was resigning my post at said salon at the end of May. In my heart of hearts, I would spend each weekend filled with street festivals, bike riding and beaches. But alas, today I realized that just wasn't in the cards - the credit card bills, that is. I am now destined to spend a few more months or years gossiping with clients, talking hair shows and learning about new waxing techniques.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Turning 25, the audasity of it all

Twenty five years ago today I was one week old. I assume in the 2 o'clock hour of March 20th, 1984, I was being held or laying in a crib of some sort, basically just feeling new and stuff. I also presume my presence probably really pissed my older brother off a bit, who at the time, was rounding out his second year. Oh Charles R., how I once held you in the hypothetical palm of my tiny little newborn hand.

25 years later, I've done some schooling, learned to read and write and count. I've saved a life here and there, quoted some movies, made some friends, told some truths and some lies, had a few laughs and a few cries - basically, I became an adult. And what better way to celebrate becoming an adult than with a party.

Okay, this is what I'm getting at, I had a freaking themed party - Sparkly Glasses & Fancy Mustaches; Lauren Christine is 25! - and the theme, well, it was sort of re-re.

But, I did want to thank my friends for being such good sports.

Rachel, you came super prepared, bringing glasses for everyone. That was awesome.
Dan, Mr. Gertrude, you grew a real stachey stache. What a man you are. A tip of my hat to you, sir.
Mandy, my ment, your face may have had a slight affliction against mustache glue, but you looked great.
Ms. Randle, way to be prepared. Way to look awesome in 17 laminated staches of different shapes and sizes.
Strawberry Tree, you play your guitar like a demon.
Lady Monahan, you rushed over after your show opener and lost your glasses in a cab and got drunk really fast, but you still looked great. Thanks for buying me that drink when I said, 'hey, it's my birthday. Go buy me a drink.'
Everyone else, you rock.

Love you all. In the future, I will try to think of better themes.

lcs

Friday, February 6, 2009

February = Summer (thoughts)

Well, hello there! It has been such a long while. Have you been waiting long? No? Good. Anywho, I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about how much I despise cold weather, making my decision to stay and live in Chicago seem a bit...idiotic. But the witchcraft this lady (Chicago) possesses, called summer, makes you forget all the pain she has inflicted. You get so taken back by the beaches and riding of bikes and beer gardens, we all seem to forget about the other 9 months of the year the entire population of Chicago wants to die due to dry, itchy skin and the clanking of radiators. 

But my summers don't just consist of Chicago fun. I try to head back to my hometown, Kansas City, Mo., at least once. I was talking to one of my KC friends this morning and just got so excited. I started thinking about my favorite day of last summer - everyone has at least one perfect summer day each year - and I'm going to do my best to take you there after the break...

I awoke around 11:30 am with the soothing sound of central air kicking in above my ears. As I stretched out, feeling each of my toes move one at a time and reaching my arms above my head, I looked over at my best friend sleeping next to me. I had stayed the night at her parents house after the BBQ my father hosted for my friends and me. As I nudged her and requested water, I may have had one too many Boulevards the night before, a sudden thrill went through my body. As this was one of my last days in KC, I had been looking forward to the happenings of it the entire trip!

Lindsay and I jumped out of bed, drank some water and headed out to grab lunch at Chipotle - where else when you're on vacation in your hometown! Now this is an important part of the story - as we walked out of her parents beautiful new house and got into her car, the sun hit me in a way that gives you goose bumps. It is a feeling that doesn't happen very often, especially in the mild Chicago summers, but one that I wish I could get regularly - it's my drug of choice. We climbed into her awesome Honda Civic, rolled down the windows, cranked up the toons and headed to lunch feeling slightly less 24 and slightly more 16. It was nice. 

After lunch, Lindsay and I literally spent hours shopping for a t-shirt to match that evenings outing with the girls - that outing being A ROYALS GAME!!!!! Now, I'm from KC, not Boston or New York or even Chicago. I know Sox fans (Red & Black), and Yankee fans and Cubs fans - and I'm really not trying to compare Royals fans to them. The history of those century old teams is just simply incomparable to the 40-year-old history of mine. But I still Love them. What you need to understand about Royals fans is they don't really go to the ball park to watch their team win. There aren't legends of curses or goats or tales of musicals that have impeded our winning streak. We know why we don't have the record of the other teams - we frankly don't have the capital to support it in our city. But no one ever doubts we one day will. Which is probably the best way to describe a Royals fan - forever and unmistakeably hopeful. We go to games to watch some ball, drink some beer and converse with our friends. It is, by far, one of my favorite things to do on this planet with some of my favorite people on this planet. Mmmmm.

So, sorry about that rant, the point is that Lindsay and I spent quite some time going from store to store looking for Royals T-Shirts that were both cute and in our price range. We finally found them, along with a 36 pk of Miller Light, in the little boys section of Wal-Mart. Of course, Missouri.

My friends and I spent the first 7 innings of the game in the parking lot of The K talking, sharing stories and laughs over a few cold ones before we even made it in. After the game ended - and we won! woo hoo - we went to Quinn's little batcherolette pad in South KC for some fun. And it was fun. And silly. And amazing. And I think hot sauce was involved.



That was my favorite day of summer 2008. And now with Quinn and Adam engaged (Congrats!) I will be heading back to my hometown in mid July for what is sure to be another wonderful reunion with Royals games, BBQs, Wal-Marts and Weddings. I just can't wait.
 


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

New Years Resolution - Poo Pears and Pollution

I knew it couldn't last forever - 'it' being the 2-month bender I've been on since the 'LO.' Having fun, spending money, acting like I'm a college kid on perpetual Spring Break. But, with the addition of 14 inches to my waist and the depletion down to $14 in my wallet, I realized it was time to get real - real grown-up that is if I ever want to accomplish my life goals and not die of liver cirrhosis.

I was out to dinner with a dear friend of mine on Saturday. She shared her New Year's resolutions of getting into shape, being confident, finding a boyfriend, etc., and I realized I didn't set one, a resolution, for myself this year. While everyone has been talking as of lates, sharing their New Year's resolutions, I realized just how fucking stupid it all seems. It makes sense to want a fresh start, a cleansing, an annual baptism of sorts on the first day of each year - but none of my 'life goals' (MBA, Lotto Winner, Accomplished Writer) are easily accomplished within a calendar year.

So effing Eff you New Year's Resolutions. My life goals and waistline don't need you and I don't either. I hope you die while I give you this stink eye.